The University of Texas Longhorn Gunners re-holstered their
top National Campus Carry ranking Saturday by defeating No. 7 Oklahoma State
with 1,245 confirmed killings to 1,207 before a crowd of 94,356 screaming survivors
in Longhorn Stadium.
It took a rally by Longhorn captain Barry “Shooter” Bummer,
considered the favorite for this year’s national Marksman Trophy, in the last
five minutes to bring Texas from behind. The Horns trailed the Cowboys 1,195 –
1,107 with 5:32 left in the game.
Then Bummer, famous for his late-game barrages, found cover
behind a body pile of OSU reserves and mowed down a bevy of Cowpoke alums
attempting to get a final beer near the east end zone stands.
Bummer then assured the victory with direct hits on each of
the Cowboy marching band as they tried to rally their team with a rendition of
“I Shot the Sheriff”.
Bummer mumbled
humbly following the contest:
“I have to credit my entire team and our coach Stud Stetson.
You can’t massacre a mass of humanity without a solid support system.”
 |
| Cowpoke alums mowed down while getting beers. |
Sharpshooter Bummer led all scorers with 434 kills and
wounding only 49. He also garnered the sportsmanship trophy for the fewest
number of murdered children: 19. OSU’s All-American gunner Rance Limpid led the
Cowboys with 381 kills, 93 wounded and 35 dead kids.
After the game, Coach Stetson confided:
“OSU packs a solid team with a lot of finesse. Some of their
best plays involve guys fakin’ bein’ hit by gunfire, fallin’, playin’ possum,
then jumpin’ to their haunches and firin’ with deadly accuracy. They got a lot
of quick, and hit ya with the good clean lick.”
In other Top Ten games:
No. 2 Oklahoma slaughtered winless Notre Dame 3,254 to 0.
Explained Notre Dame coach Gimp Wince following the one-sided Armageddon:
“Ya know, we’re a Catholic school and pacifists. We don’t
believe in carrying weapons or harming others. We follow the, ya know,
commandment ‘Thou shalt not kill.’ But we believe in good sportsmanship. And, ya know,
being Catholics, our faith requires we suffer to pay for our sins. So we suit
up and show up and play the game. And who remains lying in the loam or limps
away is, ya know, God’s will.”
 |
| Coach Gimp Wince praying after Irish losses |
No. 3 UCLA downed No. 25 Oregon 1,027 to 840. No. 4 Alabama
outlasted No. 5 Georgia 1,844 to 1,723, and No. 10 U of Florida upset No. 8
North Carolina 1,455 to 1,440. No. 6 Kentucky and No. 9 Army were both idle.
The National Collegiate Campus Carry Association (NCCCA)
reported Saturday night that their computer totals show the PAC 10 and Big 12
leading the nation in killings on the early season with 95,396 and 91,499
respectively.
PAC 10 commissioner Aimin Shure responded Saturday night:
“We’re proud of our guys here out west. But it’s still early
in the season. I’m gonna talk to each team’s head coach. I’m gonna stress that
they really need to bear down on accuracy. They need more clean killings and
cut down on the number of wounded. And, by golly, they need to really
concentrate on not assassinating those young folks. It’s bad sportsmanship, and
it’s not really good for the nation’s future.”
